在社会上如何把握拥抱礼仪的分寸大纲

I'm not a hugger. When I see a registered personal-space invader coming my way at a party, the music from 'Jaws' plays in my head. And there are lots of people like me -- reasonably comfortable in social situations, no particular phobias, just a bit reserved in expressions of physical intimacy.

我不是个爱拥抱的人。在派对上看到习惯侵犯私人空间的人走过来时，我脑子里就会响起《大白鲨》(Jaws)的音乐。有很多人都和我一样——在社交场合挺自在，没有特别的恐惧症，只是在身体亲密行为的表达上有点保守。

For us fans of personal space, these are difficult times. America has become a hugging culture. What's an Academy Award without a gauntlet of hugs from seat to stage? Any sports win will ignite an orgy of whooping, full-body man hugs. Political empathy in tragedy is measured in hugs.

对我们这些喜欢保持一定距离的人来说，这种时候就比较难熬。美国已经成为了一个崇尚拥抱文化的国家。没有从座位到舞台的一连串拥抱能叫奥斯卡颁奖礼(Academy Award)吗？任何体育项目的获胜都会引起一阵狂欢式的全身拥抱。悲剧事件中政治同理心是通过拥抱来衡量的。

We remain a 'medium touch' culture -- more physically demonstrative than Japan, where a bow is the all-purpose hello and goodbye, but less demonstrative than Latin or Eastern European cultures, where hugs are robust and can include a kiss on both cheeks. But we do seem to be hugging more.

我们还是一个“中度接触”的文化——比日本人更喜欢用身体接触表达感情，但不如拉丁或东欧文化。在日本，鞠躬是通行的问候和告别礼节，而在拉丁和东欧国家，拥抱都很有力，还包括亲吻两边的脸颊。但我们确实似乎拥抱得越来越多了。

For men, this is newly slippery terrain. Handshakes are scripted and reliable -- a firm grip, a couple of brisk pumps, and done. There is evidence of hand-shaking as far back as the fifth century B.C. It may have started as a gesture of peace by proving that the hand held no weapon.

对男士来说，这是个新的需要谨慎对待的礼仪。握手已经约定俗成，比较可靠——握紧、轻轻摇晃两下、结束。早在公元前五世纪就有关于握手的记载，可能最早是一种表示和平的手势，是为了证明手里没有武器。

With hugging now in play, men must do rapid social calculations: body language, length and nature of the relationship, setting, alcohol effect and the other's intentions. Decisions must be made in split seconds.

如今到了流行拥抱的时候，男士们必须进行快速的社交计算：肢体语言、与对方关系的时长和性质、环境、酒精效应还有对方的意图。决定必须在一瞬间做出。

Male friends tell me that they adhere to the one-second rule (one-Mississippi and . . . break). They also favor the A-frame hug -- shoulders touching, handshake high, a couple of quick taps on the back. There is no such middle ground for women. It's either shake or hug.

男性朋友告诉我，他们坚持“一秒原则”（默念“密西西比”刚好一秒……然后结束）。他们还喜欢A字型拥抱——碰肩、高举双手相握、拍拍背。对女性来说没有这样的中间选择，要么握手要么拥抱。

Bill Clinton has perfected the hug that is not a hug: a handshake complemented by also holding the other's upper arm. Advantage -- more intense than a handshake but short of an embrace, and it can be maintained indefinitely. It can also easily progress to a full hug as the conversation dictates.

比尔·克林顿(Bill Clinton)完善了一种不算拥抱的拥抱方式：握手的同时抓住对方的上臂。好处是——比单纯的握手更热情但又不算拥抱，而且姿势可以保持很长时间。随着谈话的进展还可以很容易发展成全身拥抱。

When we expand our exploration to the man-woman hug, things get dicey. Especially at work.

异性拥抱就比较危险了，尤其是在职场。

Science says that hugs are healthy: They release endorphins, strengthen the immune system, boost self-esteem and promote bonding. But they can also put a warning in your personnel file.

科学研究表明拥抱有益健康：可以释放内啡?，增强免疫系统，提升自尊，增进感情。不过同时也会让你的人事档案里出现警告。

There are many valid reasons to hug in an office setting -- anything from a big team win to goodbyes after downsizing. But one senior executive I know shared some universal career advice: 'Don't yell, don't cry, don't hug.' His advice is backed by surveys that say that most people don't want intimacy with other workers.

在工作场合有很多拥抱的正当理由——从团队获胜到裁员告别，可拥抱的场合很多。但我认识的一位高管分享了一个通用的职场建议：“不要喊，不要哭，不要拥抱。”他的建议得到了问卷调查结果的支持，调查显示大多数人不想和同事有亲密行为。

As the question of whether or not to hug becomes more situational, the potential rises for awkward encounters. The biggest risk: going in for a hug only to realize too late that the other person had not planned the same. Expert consensus says that if you're going for the hug and it's too late to turn back, don't stop. Press on, but make it quick.

既然该不该拥抱的问题变得越来越取决于场合因素，那么会面时出现尴尬的可能性就变大了。最大的风险是：准备拥抱的时候却意识到对方并没有同样打算。专家一致认为，如果你准备拥抱，而且回头又太晚，那就不要停。抱上去，但动作要快。

For nonhuggers, there are some defensive maneuvers. Deflect: Keep something (a desk, a table, a co-worker) between you and the serial hugger until the moment passes. Deny: 'Sorry, I'm not much of a hugger.' Resist: Take physical control with a stiff handshake and firm elbow that keeps personal space intact. Escape: Find something that requires your immediate attention. If nothing comes to mind, drop your cellphone. Lie: 'I really don't want you to catch this cold I have.' Or when diversion isn't feasible and escape is impossible, accept the hug with an icy response and hope that the hugger remembers.

对不喜欢拥抱的人来说有一些防御动作。转移：让“连环拥抱者”和自己之间有个障碍物，比如桌子、茶几或者同事，直到那个时刻过去。拒绝：“对不起，我不大喜欢拥抱。”反抗：用身体控制，握手时故意保持僵硬，肘部僵硬一点，以防个人空间被入侵。逃避：寻找需要你们立即注意的事情。如果找不到的话就故意摔手机。撒谎：“我实在不想把感冒传染给你。”在没办法转移、又不可能逃避的时候，那就冷冰冰地接受拥抱并希望对方能记住教训。

Workplace hugging is particularly problematic when your workplace happens to be a school. Teachers have been told never to hug any child for any reason -- even though a hug is precisely what a child might need.

如果你是在学校上班，那么拥抱的问题就会格外棘手。学校要求老师不能以任何理由拥抱学生，即使学生需要也不行。

Many schools have also added a written policy against hugging between students, with suspensions finding their way into national news. Students and some parents are irate at bans on a simple act of affection. But feel for the school administrator, responsible for determining when a simple act of affection becomes a more complex situation.

很多学校还增加了禁止学生之间拥抱的书面规定，取消这种规定的呼声开始见诸于全美各处媒体。学生和部分家长不满学校禁止这种简单的表达情感的行为。但从校方管理人员的角度来看又情有可原，在简单的情感表达行为变成更复杂的问题时，需要做出决定的是他们。

There is always the question: Are we overthinking this? Maybe we've complicated a simple act to the point that risk has overtaken reward, and it's just not worth the effort. Some would say it's a lamentable loss of human connection. As someone who believes that we call it personal space for a reason, I'm OK with that.

总有这样一个问题：我们是不是想太多了？也许我们把一个简单的行为想得太复杂了，让风险压倒了好处，其实根本就不值得这么费尽心思去想。有人会说这是人类情感联系的可悲损失。作为一个认为私人空间很有必要的人，我表示赞同。